Choice

Today is Kody and I’s nine year anniversary.  Wow. Today Stella is four months old. Four months. Double wow. When they tell you “it goes by fast” they aren’t kidding. “They” being all the wise and brave parents that came before me. “They” who I used to look at so curiously and wonder “what is that like”? I’m still learning what it is like, but I have a far better understanding of it than I did a year ago. I’m still figuring it out. I’m still trying to learn how to be a mom and me at the same time. I am realizing that they aren’t two different parts of me, but just a new, different, better sometimes a little bit scared and confused me. Everyday I still look at Stella and think, “I really hope I’m not screwing this up”. I’m not. She’s happy and healthy. She’s the most loved little girl I have ever known. Everyday I thank God that He picked me to be her mom.

thanksgiving

     Sometimes I think about what my life would be like right now if she wasn’t here. I don’t think of it in a wishful way, I can’t imagine not having her.  I’ve talked about it before, how I’m adopted. Having Stella has made me think a lot about that part of my life. I think a lot about what my birth mother felt after I was born. I wonder if she held me or saw me. I wonder how hard it was for her to let me go. I wonder if today she thinks about me on my birthday or everyday or never at all. I wonder how hard it was for her to move on with her life so I could have mine.

One thing I have learned more about this year, the infamous 2014, is letting go and moving on. Two very hard and difficult tasks for anyone, but especially me. I love people. I love my friends. I would literally do almost anything for someone I love. It is a blessing and a curse. Sometimes, when you care so much about people you are blind. You forgive and forget easily, you give second, third and fourth chances. You tell yourself “this time it will be different” or “it was really mostly my fault”.

A friend of mine posted something on Instagram the other day that I just loved. “Things are as they are, we suffer because we imagined different”. I’m an optimist. I see the best. I try to pull the best from others. I expect the best from others. I won’t stop being that way. It isn’t in me. I’ve realized that part of being an eternal optimist is being disappointed when things don’t work out the way I expected. Learning to handle that has been a hard lesson, but it is one I am learning. I say all of that not to be melodramatic, but to say that the last year has made me take a hard look at myself, my life, my priorities and what I want for my future.

Stella has done more for my life than I can explain to anyone. Her smile gives me a joy that is indescribable. Her giggle is contagious. Even when she cries, I smile…most of the time.  I will never be the perfect mother, but I will be the perfect mother for her. I will be the mother she needs and one she can always depend on for the rest of her sweet life. She will always come before training and work and that is 100% OK with me.  Four months ago that scared me. Today it doesn’t.

Baby Stella 412

     My plans and goals for the next six months have changed. It’s a change I wasn’t expecting, but one I’m fired up about and ready to take by the horns and wrestle to the ground. Coming back from pregnancy is hard. HARD. It’s really, really hard. Every single day I feel stronger and every single day I realize how far I still have to go. Last night a friend of mine from CFOKC came up to be and said, “Ginny, I wanted to tell you that you are looking strong. I saw a fire in your the eye I hadn’t seen in a long time”.  My fire has been lit for awhile, it’s just burning a little bit bigger now. Today I overhead squatted 185 x 2 which is what I did in the overhead squat event at regionals in 2013. Today was a milestone. I matched a pre pregnancy PR. I could not be more thrilled. It’s happening.

Kody and I joke a lot about how neither of us have ever really been given or taken the easy road when it has come to our goals in life. It’s something I believe we are both incredibly thankful for and has made us the people we are today. We work hard and take pride in the fact that we care so much about the things we do. We pour ourselves into things we love and people we love. I hope that is something we pass on to Stella as she grows and figures out what it is she loves in life.

“Excellence is never an accident. It is always the result of high intention, sincere effort, and intelligent execution; it represents the wise choice of many alternatives – choice, not chance, determines your destiny”. – Aristotle

This year my sights are set to return to regionals as an individual. It’s going to be hard. It would be hard even if I hadn’t have been pregnant this past year. I do know though, if anyone can come back quickly and make back, it’s me. It starts with knowing I can and I will. I also want to see my gym to qualify. My gym that I love dearly. My second home that has given me so much over the last four years. The people that have stood by me and stood with me no matter what, I thank you for believing in me as a person, as a coach, as a friend and as a teammate. “Hard work beats talent when talent doesn’t work hard”. Here is to  wonderful, memorable and exciting 2015. May the odds be ever in your favor.